It is worn, and battered, even after a couple of months. Still, I wore it every day, as a reminder of the gesture, that first sweet gesture. That gift. Unprompted.

I took it off. Its time. I don't feel the same as I did, and for my sanity I must move on. I'll keep it safe, in the nice little chocolate tin he gave me where I keep most of my everyday wear. But for now, my wrist shall feel oddly bare; because it is time to move on.

Oh Martha Jones, don't I know where you are at. I'm exactly there.

See, I too, for lack of a better term, fell in love with this boy. For the four years that I've known him, he never really did look twice at me. He was, and still is, my best friend. Some of the best times of my life were spent with him. I adored him. Worshiped the ground he walked on. Thought that everything he did was tops.

Four years.

Its a long time, and its a short time.

And then, at the end of it....nothing. Things changed. I'll admit it. We got closer. There were times when I thought he might have loved me back. There were times when I wasn't so sure. In our last year of high school, we both became very affectionate with each other. And then...nothing. We stagnated. We got caught in this place that wasn't quite, dating, but was more than just being best friends. We stayed that way for so long, too afraid to take a chance. And then, time ran out. We graduated. I chose a school further away, six hours away to be precise. And while its not the furthest possible distance its been enough.


Because Martha, you see, I think I've gotten out. Just like you had to make the decision to leave the Doctor, and life on the TARDIS behind, to get yourself out, I moved away. I put distance between us. The difference is that you consciously made that decision. I think I did it subconsciously.

You see, Sam and I, as much as I love him, aren't *right* for each other. I don't think that we could ever really go far together, not as a couple. We get along great, we've never fought. Our personalities are pretty complementary. But you see he's so passionless sometimes, and it kills me. There are so many little things that he does that drive me insane too. But the worst, is that he's a lot like my own father. Sam will probably end up a workaholic, just like my father. He'll become disconnected from his family, unable to communicate his feelings. At worst. I'd like to not believe this of my best friend. Still, it has to be said that its a possibility.

By moving away, I got the distance I needed to discover this. When we talk on the phone, we go between days where we talk a good amount, and days where we don't know what to say. All we have in common is gossip on the old high school. And in the end, that's all that's ever *really* kept us together. We were two brand new kids in a scary, small, new school, who could get along well. Sure we've got somethings in common, like a love of computers, and Bo Burnham and things. But not enough that I'd be positive a relationship would work.


I went back home to visit for Winter holiday. I was planning on going to visit the old high school to meet up with Sam and a couple other old friends. The earlier part of the day was to be spent waiting for the plumber to show up. Sam decided to come out early and spend the day waiting with me so that I didn't have to be alone. It was a beautiful gesture, and I thoroughly appreciated it. And yet, it was awkward, having him there. Here was the thing I had always wanted--- a house with just the two of us all alone. Surely an opportunity would arise? Yet the whole thing was awkward. We didn't really know what to say to each other. So we played video games. We blew up zombies. Our chairs were so close together our arms brushed. I felt nothing. It felt as if I was just playing a game with my best friend. I didn't feel the electricity I had felt before, before I'd moved. The electricity that set my heart beating faster, and sent it to my throat. It was not like the time we held hands on the drive back home from Portland after a roller derby bout. There was no spark. I knew then, that things were different.


I got out. I have to keep repeating it, to make sure it sticks. I got out.

I got out.


I've fallen out of love Martha.

But don't get me wrong. I still love him, just as you still love the Doctor. But its a different kind of love. Its that platonic kind of love, just like I had wanted in the beginning for Sam and I. I finally have it. And on some levels I'm thrilled. On others not so much.

Its so confusing Martha.

You see, he got me a Christmas present. First time ever. He probably only did it because I got him one first. But still, again he's more affectionate this year, cuz I got him things last year for Christmas and his birthday and he didn't even acknowledge.


He called me for my birthday. High school birthdays came and went and no fanfare took place. Yet, this year he texted my mobile, left a voicemail singing "Happy Birthday", and left a facebook message for me. And then tonight? Oh Martha, he did the worst and the best at the same time.

He sent me a birthday present. Chocolate was involved, which is sweet. (hahah) But that wasn't what got me. It was what was on the disc also in the package. You see, he made me a *video.* He made me a video that he recorded off his new laptop, talking to me through it, telling me happy birthday, and explaining the rest of the video. He was of course, his usual awkward self, which is always sweet, at the same time its annoying. Which is a terrible thing for me to admit, but there you have it. He told me happy birthday, and then said that he had spent some time going over some old pictures from high school, while cleaning out his old computer, and thought it would be a neat present to give me. See he knows how important pictures and memories are to me. He had some fun pictures on there, not always the best quality, but that *so* doesn't matter. He even had some on there I'd never seen.

I think its the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. I'm hard pressed at the moment to think of anything else. (Of course it only happening tonight and being such a shock, that's no surprise.) It was so sweet. It was so kind.

It made me sob.

It hurt.

Really bad.

At the same time it warmed my heart it made it hurt. I miss him so much. I miss being able to see him every day like for the last four years. I miss the closeness. And I hate the fact he gets so sweet, and creative, and clever, after I got out. After I had *almost* gotten over him. Its like he's fucking with my mind, Martha. He's toying with me. I know he doesn't do it on purpose. He honestly has no idea how I've ever felt about the situation. Mostly because I couldn't even admit it to myself for so long, and then after I had I could never tell him. Not well anyway. See I wrote him a letter for graduation, a sappy pathetic piece of a thing, almost baring my soul to him. Almost. But he doesn't know that I feel differently now. For all he knows I'm still in love with him. And now he goes and does all this sweet stuff. I'm afraid he's woken up and realized, and far too late. I'm afraid he thinks I'm still in love with him, and I know I'd be afraid to tell him otherwise.

Why now, Martha? Why now? Are men always this thick?


Did it hurt this bad for you Martha? It must have. I'm so torn in two now. I know he's not exactly good for me. In fact he was the cause of the majority of my grief in high school. I cried over him more times than I'd like to admit. I'm lost. I don't quite have the resolve you have.

You see, the sad thing is, if Sam asked me, I'd give it a go. No questions asked. Would you do the same Martha, if the Doctor asked? Is it the right thing to do? For the boy? Or the girl?

So happy fucking holidays everyone!

So I suppose I've been doing a lot better this last month or so. Which is good. I suppose I've been hanging out with two new "friends" which has helped ease some of the lonelyness I've been feeling.

Misty, is a fellow otaku. She's actually way more into it than I am at the moment-- I fell out of it because of a lack of like-minded people. She and I have dinner several times a week which is nice. I'm not always eating alone, and I also have time to myself where I can eat and people watch or catch up on Mugglenet episodes. We've gone downtown a couple of times and to the 80s dance which was nice. At least I didn't go to my first college dance by myself, considering its not high school where I knew everyone and could flitter about and dance and talk and enjoy. I didn't have Sam there that's for sure, and boy did I feel it. Its nice to have Misty around, she enjoys fandoms just as much or more than I do. Her roommate has the potential to be cool, but is a little too vain and whiny to really warrant a lot of time spending however. So mostly Misty and I just go for food. She's probably the one I've spent the most time with.

Mel, is my little punk rocker friend. She's really ity bity but as we know that just means she's got big attitude and personality to compensate. I love her style and her music, and she's a total musician-- she's done her share of instrument playing including her current bass and guitar work. She just got a wah-pedal and loves the thing to death- neglecting her poor finals in favor of it. She's pretty limited in her music tastes though, at least compared to me. She's way into punk, with a little classic rock and a wee bit of grunge thrown in. No goth electronica or Depeche Mode for her. I might one day suggest some bands for her, since she gave me a whole bunch of punk I need to catch up on. But I haven't quite gotten brave enough to do that yet.

While both the girls are great, we haven't connected the way I eventually did with my high school friends. Circumstances are different of course, but it always takes me forever to make friends which I hate, especially being totally alone down there. I'm so envious of all the people that have their friends over all that time, and do neat and fun things with them, and have their little dinner groups, and fun pictures on facebook. I want that, but as of yet haven't been able to grasp it. Even with my high school friends I never really was able to hang out with them to a satisfiable point. I've just always been a lonely kid.

I haven't even spent much time with my high school friends this break. I've seen everyone once, at a basketball game (except for Sam who heard that I was going to be alone before the game supposedly babysitting the plumber who never showed up but was supposed to fix our winter water woes so he came out to talk and be beaten in Left 4 Dead 2 which I appreciate but don't know if he knows how much) --I've just been to busy, and then there's the face that no one's really put much effort into seeing me either. They whine and whine but never give dates, places, times, opportunities, etc. Or they do but give no notice and don't think about my poor mother who'd have to give up her time to drive me. Which we haven't had a lot of since we've been moving me out of my old room, my brother into it, and trying to figure what to do with the rest of the house.

This year we've decided to be fools and actually celebrate christmas. I've always like the idea of christmas-- with the lights, good smelling trees and food, and all, but somehow my family always ruins it by getting mad at simple things like decorating the tree. Can't we really put lights on the damn thing without getting red-faced and mad? Just chill and untangle it. Its fine. Still even the quasi-suckage that is this year is way better than last--- no power for almost two weeks and certainly no lights and food and celebrating. I got told I was a bratty bitch for whining about the no water, hiding in my sleeping bad and being grumpy (which is pretty accurate.)I like that they are trying, but if we're just going to get mad and stress over the little things its not worth it. It defeats the whole purpose. I'm not looking for perfection and neither should anyone else. I'm just looking for a PEACEFUL holiday.

My poor mother is having fits over the state of the house just because her father is showing. She's throwing things and getting pissy with everyone and whining about all that has to be done and how no one is helping her. We would however if she'd permit it, or at least tell us what she wants done and how. Or even better, she thinks she's told us something and she hasn't, so we argue over that and she storms off screaming about how no one fucking gives a shit. And don't even get me started on her other changes--- since when is she a die hard republican or gave a shit about politics? Since when is "dinner" "supper"? You've been spending way to much time with your father and by the way it pisses me off when you call me a liberal Obama lover and say it with such distain. First off, I don't even like Obama, or give a shit about politics. Second, if I did, SO WHAT. Agree to disagree, that's what you taught me.

Its infuriating for me, and between her and Dad I don't really remember why I wanted to be home so bad, since the water issue has left us with little food ability. At least she now admits she has a depression problem, which of course has only gotten worse since her mother's death. She needs treatment but hasn't done anything but whine about it yet. I'm not sure how to tell her nicely that she should just get it fucking over with and do it. I honestly think that if things continue at this rate that my family won't even be talking to each other at all in the near future. We're bad, not as bad as some, but bad enough that we might as well call it quits some days.

I'm horrified at the idea she might come down to my college for my birthday. It doesn't make much sense. My birthday is on my busiest week day with classes and clubs and all. I appreciate the thought, and that someone gives enough of a shit about me to do it, but I don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all this year, I've finally decided. I don't want anyone down, I don't want my roommate to remember, I DON'T WANT MY FLOORMATES TO KNOW GOD FORBID, and I don't want my friends to know, or anyone. I just want to wake up, go about my day, and wish I was dead that night and put it on repeat the next day. I might that weekend treat myself to my favorite restaurant down there, might take Misty with me if she'll go, but I won't tell her why. Just a random whim. But of course my aunt will probably ruin that for me by blabbing it all over facebook. I can only hope no one cares...

So yeah...again...happy fucking holidays people! While its not the worst, its not the best. I guess be thankful for that.

So I had my first Roller Derby club meeting today. Its so weird. Its cliche to say, but this time last year I would have never imagined myself the president of a club, let alone a founding member. It went well enough I suppose. There weren't many attendees but I suppose that can't really be blamed on me. I did get the word out. The adviser, Julie, flattered by telling me how well I did, and how organized and natural at it I am. I just assumed I was a control freak. She said "I'm glad I met you. I couldn't think of any of the girls on my team that I would have wanted to do this job over you." Ha! Shows how much she knows me!

Its weird what college is making me into. I'm going out and joining clubs, the roller derby club and the american sign language club. I'm talking to strangers (if they talk to me first, still have that barrier) and I'm walking places alone, and eating alone. I'm managing my own schedule, and picking out my own future and taking it into my own hands. I'm monitoring my budget, and while I could still use some practice on resisting the urge to spend, at least its mostly been on christmas gifts for friends and family and roommate. I'm learning how to control my temper, and trying to play nicely with the other children. ( I used to receive high grades solely based on my ability to play nice.)

Its so weird.

*Ah damn it. Sam just called. He won't be able to come stay the weekend with me like he was planning. I'm really sad now. At least he sounds like it too, and he wants to make it up to me.....*

I miss his hands. His awkward hands. Its like he channels all of his nervousness into his hands. He doesn't, he has plenty of other nervous ticks, but his hands stand out the most. I miss his hands. I miss their feel. Rough and gentle at the same time. I miss their warmth. I didn't feel them often, but when I did, I felt so much better inside.

Now I must take the same effect from his voice. I don't mind. I love it just as much. Still, I can't wait to see those hands again.

Why should I allow others to treat me like a second class citizen? Why should I let them walk all over me? Why should I keep my head down and take it? So what if I make enemies? Who cares? I'm lonely already what difference does it make? I want and demand respect. If I don't get it from you then I'll move on to the next person. I'm done being people's patsy so don't encourage me to take it lying down anymore.

I love your voice.

             It makes my day.

I love your laugh.

           It lifts my spirit.

I love hearing "I love you" fall from your lips.


Thank you. You save me.

That is all.

I wanna go home. Now.

I want things to be miserable in the way they used to be, not this this new way.

Its amazing what a person can do for you. Or at least what a bond with a person can do for you.

I've been so down lately. Put simply it sucks. I feel very alone and very worthless. But after a very simple texting session turned phone call with Sam the other night, I feel SO MUCH BETTER. We didn't talk about anything important. We just teased and taunted each other and laughed a lot. I even broke a few unspoken barriers between us (I mentioned the condoms placed the the girls bathroom and insinuated that a former classmate or three wanted to shag him.)

I know that its bad for me that I am still so dependent on him to cheer me up, but he was such a huge part of my life and I just don't want to let go. Besides, right now I don't have anyone else to cheer me up.

I'm hoping that HE will call or text me soon. I don't want to seem to desperate and annoying to him. I'm already starting to feel down again.